Description: On Inauguration Day in 1933, the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, delivered an historic address stating that the only thing we’all had to fear was fear itself. But, of course, this wasn’t entirely true. There are many things we have to fear that FDR neglected to mention. Vampires, for one. Werewolves too. Parasites. El Chupacabra. The Grim Reaper. The Tooth Fairy’s evil cousin. Martha Stewart. Snakes and scorpions. And especially spiders.
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Description: The Kraken. The legendary sea creature of Greek mythology – immortalised by Harryhausen in stop-motion in the 1980s. It is also the name given to the Giant Squid, the most elusive of all ocean species. Believed to grow up 60 feet in length, it has been the subject of many tales of misadventure on the high seas. Never has one been captured alive or even captured alive on film. Jacques Cousteau claimed to have seen one, but he was probably full of shit.
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Description: August 18th to the 24th is National Lycanthrope Awareness Week, a time to share a thought for your fellow werewolf. Because, ya know, werewolves are people too – they just grow hair and snack on human flesh during the full moon. In most capital cities there will be some sort of festivity, culminating in the nationwide ‘Great Hunt’ over two massive nights. Human volunteers can register with your local authority. Happy Lycan Week!
Description: You don’t have much choice really. Convicted of crimes that bear the harshest reprimand, you might as well accept the crummy gig and rescue the wimpy President from the maximum security prison known as Manhattan. It sure is a rotten future, and glorified pimps with chandeliers fixed to the hoods of their cars cruise the littered streets with nothing to do but look for trouble - but they didn’t count on Snake’s brand of trouble, now did they?
Description: If you elude capture by terrorist thieves whilst at an office Christmas party in Nakatomi Plaza, here’s some free advice. Don’t leave your shoes behind in the mayhem – you’ll need them later. Stay out of the air-conditioning vents – your movements inside create too much noise. Keep off the roof of the building – it’s a favourite terrorist hangout and sloppy FBI agents may crash a helicopter there. And lastly, it is always best to maintain a sense of humor throughout such an ordeal, so don’t shy away from contacting the terrorist leader on two-way radio and calling him names.
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Description: Skip the pet shop... and ADOPT! Plenty of kitten's will love you for it.
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Description: If you want to see where the fake blood was spilt, and where the sausage masquerading as intestines were “eaten”, you can take a tour of Monroeville Mall. While you are there, stock up on ammunition, try on some retro clothing, have your blood pressure tested and take a joyride in a helicopter.
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Description: Planning to visit Aspen, California? This little hog is the only way to travel.
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Description: Captain Howdy will come into your home. Captain Howdy doesn’t require an invitation. Captain Howdy will speak through occult tools like ouija board, but he’s gonna wanna little bit more. Captain Howdy wants your soul. Captain Howdy wants to use your body as his demon host, contorting you in ways that will make it impossible for you to keep food down. Captain Howdy will attempt to convince you he is your friend. Captain Howdy is not your friend.
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Description: Get on the ready line, marines! That means get your shit together, lock and load and wake up Dwayne – because you’re gonna need all three if you are to survive the terra-formed planet that now swarms with bad-ass xenomorphs. And they’re the kind of bugs that don’t hang out the welcome sign.
Description: India. In that part of the world monkey brains are a delicacy, just as Cheetos may be a delicacy to someone in the West. And whilst conservative tastes may baulk at chowing down on a portion of simian brain, most Indians of the Kali persuasion would delight at such a rare culinary treat. So don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
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Description: Wyoming. There stands Devils Tower with its foreboding facade. An enigma to some such as Roy and Gail – two people inexplicably drawn to the landmark. What Roy doesn’t know, however, is that Devils Tower is an intergalactic airport, and he’s about to take a first-class trip to the outer reaches of the universe. Well, actually, no one really knows where exactly he is travelling to, but it appears he’ll be gone for some time. Too bad he forgot to pack his toothbrush (…or maybe, where he is going, there is no need to brush teeth…?).
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Description: You ain’t ever been on no bug hunt like this. Ninety per-cent of your squad is wiped out by a hive of hideous xenomorphs that you don’t dare kill. Med lab in the main structure won’t hold for long – those pesky xenomorphs are pretty friggin’ smart. They’ll get in there somehow. They’ll get in there and use your body as a host for their momma’s bubs. But in this situation, with certain death a reality, it’s best to stay frosty.
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Description: Japan. Land of sushi, saki and samurai. It’s also where the babe in the yellow and black leather has come to grab a kick-ass sword from a legendary craftsman and hunt down the bitch that left her for dead back in the States. But she’ll have to hack her way through the Crazy 88 first, even though there ain’t really 88 of ‘em.
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Description: Zombies, zombies, zombies! There’s a zombie in your backyard. Zombies moaning in the streets. Zombies have probably taken over the entire country. So, the only logical place to go in the midst of the zombie apocalypse is the local pub. Free ale, a relaxing atmosphere, and a cricket bat for protection. What else do you need?
Description: Protecting the earth from the rat-scum of the universe. (For more human-cat hybrids, visit http://www.captainfeline.com)
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Description: Yo, sax man, blow into your reed. Play me a tune, something that reaches deep into the gut enticing the loins. Give me some soul. Play me some deep, dirty dirge of sexual revolution. Or just give me some order of melancholy, for that sax appeal oozing from your pores is like a velvet glove for my appetite.
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Description: Welton Academy Prep School has a long proud history of academic achievement, fostered through the strict hand of discipline. So of course it is the perfect playground for a group of wilful kids to create some innocent anarchy. Guided by the words of the venerable Uncle Walt, they skip into the woods at night and see the Congo creeping through the black, cutting through the forest with a golden track.
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Description: The year was 1878. Pittsburgh residents investigated reports of “dead people” feasting on the flesh of the living. A hastily assembled posse arrived at the Romero homestead to find that six “zombies” had made breakfast of the dead bodies of the poor farmer and his wife. The zombies were disposed of with a combination of axes, shovels and pitchforks and the incident passed out of memory. Coincidentally, one hundred years later, Pittsburgh became the home of the greatest zombie films ever made.
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Description: Art. It’s overrated. Dancing, however, is the one act of self-expression that requires no talent. Yeah, that’s right, even if you get your jig on worse than Elaine Benes, it doesn’t matter. Maybe you’re as tone deaf as a llama, or as musically talented as a dugong with a tuba stuck in its rectum. It doesn’t matter. Dancing, funnily enough, like art, is subjective. So the next time someone suggests a visit to the gallery, make a case for learning to waltz instead.
Description: From Miami to Puerto Rico to the island of Bermuda lies the Devil’s Triangle. Planes, boats and people have all been sucked into this mysterious vortex in the Atlantic Ocean. Is it a gateway to another dimension? A time travel wormhole? Or is it just another piece of regular ocean? For the debate continues regarding the authenticity of the stories about the Bermuda Triangle’s many victims.
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Description: The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing horror on a screaming world! A man dissolves – and out of the oozing mist comes the hungry eye, slave to the demon brain. Warning: If you’ve ever been hypnotized do not come alone! Crawling into a theatre near you…
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Description: She is the Ancient Egyptian goddess of motherhood, fertility and magic. Mother of Horus to her brother Osiris, resurrecting the latter after he has murdered by Set. Worshipped in Greece and Rome, she is the goddess of nature and protector of the dead.
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Description: Jack Mainwaring sure did warn ‘em. Having trawled the Bering Sea for fifty years, Jack had seen just about everything the sea had to offer. He even claimed to have seen the fabled giant squid. Sitting at the bar in the Green Mollusk Hotel, Jack warned the crew of the Mary Buchman to be wary of the giant sea creature before they set out from port – for it is out there and has been devouring maritime vessels and their crew for centuries. Of course, no one believed him, until the Mary Buchman and her crew were never seen again.
Description: Where would we be without movie clichés? Head ‘em off at the pass. Meet ‘em at the old mill. But it doesn’t have to be that way, scriptwriters. Coin some new phrases that will, in fifty years time, become clichés themselves. Perhaps, “I’ll email you with the details” or “We can find them with the GPS!”
Description: If there is a creature alive beneath the waters of Loch Ness, just what exactly could it be? Theories abound and hoaxes come and go, but the legend of Nessie lives on. Is she merely a crafty plesiosaur that somehow survived through the ages? Or she is just some kind of fish mutated by the effluent from the nearby haggis packing factory?
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About GritFX
