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Description: Don’t settle for a dodgy wig that’s gonna come off at the wrong time. Get yourself down to Queens and visit Morrie’s Wig Shop, right next door to the Suite Nite Club. This guy’s wigs are tested against hurricane winds (so important!) and are guaranteed to stay on your cranium (unless you’re being assaulted by a local wiseguy).
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Description: There is only one thing wrong with Santa Carla – the place is crawling with vampires. Oh, and some hideous 1980s fashion. But if you insist upon moving there, take heed and keep to yourself. Falling in with the Surf Nazi crowd will put you squarely on the vampire late supper menu. Mess with the vampires themselves and you’ll be drinking red “wine” from an antique flask and hallucinating that your noodles are actually worms.
Description: In 1977, film producer Moe Brown shocked the world with one of the most controversial films of all time. Vampire Cheerleaders On Acid combined psychedelia with hardcore horror and softcore pornography, creating (as one reviewer called it) “the most depraved exercise in moral degradation”. The film was banned in every country on the planet after screening in selected theatres in the United States for a short period, and the only original, uncut 3-D print of the film is still in the possession of writer and star Anastasia O’Keefe.
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Description: Captain Howdy has been in the ouija board business since 1973. Having crossed over from the underworld into our physical reality, the Captain instantly recognised a neglected market for contacting the dearly departed. So he set about manufacturing the only 100%-guaranteed-to-work ouija board for the whole family and in the process, exposed a generation to decades of demonic possession. As the old advertisement once said: “Thanks Captain Howdy!
Description: I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…Eskimo pussy is mighty cold (Eskimo pussy is mighty cold)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four. I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…This t-shirt will never get old (This t-shirt will never get old)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four!
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Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
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Description: You don’t have much choice really. Convicted of crimes that bear the harshest reprimand, you might as well accept the crummy gig and rescue the wimpy President from the maximum security prison known as Manhattan. It sure is a rotten future, and glorified pimps with chandeliers fixed to the hoods of their cars cruise the littered streets with nothing to do but look for trouble - but they didn’t count on Snake’s brand of trouble, now did they?
Description: If you elude capture by terrorist thieves whilst at an office Christmas party in Nakatomi Plaza, here’s some free advice. Don’t leave your shoes behind in the mayhem – you’ll need them later. Stay out of the air-conditioning vents – your movements inside create too much noise. Keep off the roof of the building – it’s a favourite terrorist hangout and sloppy FBI agents may crash a helicopter there. And lastly, it is always best to maintain a sense of humor throughout such an ordeal, so don’t shy away from contacting the terrorist leader on two-way radio and calling him names.
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Description: If you want to see where the fake blood was spilt, and where the sausage masquerading as intestines were “eaten”, you can take a tour of Monroeville Mall. While you are there, stock up on ammunition, try on some retro clothing, have your blood pressure tested and take a joyride in a helicopter.
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Description: Captain Howdy will come into your home. Captain Howdy doesn’t require an invitation. Captain Howdy will speak through occult tools like ouija board, but he’s gonna wanna little bit more. Captain Howdy wants your soul. Captain Howdy wants to use your body as his demon host, contorting you in ways that will make it impossible for you to keep food down. Captain Howdy will attempt to convince you he is your friend. Captain Howdy is not your friend.
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Description: Get on the ready line, marines! That means get your shit together, lock and load and wake up Dwayne – because you’re gonna need all three if you are to survive the terra-formed planet that now swarms with bad-ass xenomorphs. And they’re the kind of bugs that don’t hang out the welcome sign.
Description: India. In that part of the world monkey brains are a delicacy, just as Cheetos may be a delicacy to someone in the West. And whilst conservative tastes may baulk at chowing down on a portion of simian brain, most Indians of the Kali persuasion would delight at such a rare culinary treat. So don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
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Description: Wyoming. There stands Devils Tower with its foreboding facade. An enigma to some such as Roy and Gail – two people inexplicably drawn to the landmark. What Roy doesn’t know, however, is that Devils Tower is an intergalactic airport, and he’s about to take a first-class trip to the outer reaches of the universe. Well, actually, no one really knows where exactly he is travelling to, but it appears he’ll be gone for some time. Too bad he forgot to pack his toothbrush (…or maybe, where he is going, there is no need to brush teeth…?).
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Description: You ain’t ever been on no bug hunt like this. Ninety per-cent of your squad is wiped out by a hive of hideous xenomorphs that you don’t dare kill. Med lab in the main structure won’t hold for long – those pesky xenomorphs are pretty friggin’ smart. They’ll get in there somehow. They’ll get in there and use your body as a host for their momma’s bubs. But in this situation, with certain death a reality, it’s best to stay frosty.
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Description: Japan. Land of sushi, saki and samurai. It’s also where the babe in the yellow and black leather has come to grab a kick-ass sword from a legendary craftsman and hunt down the bitch that left her for dead back in the States. But she’ll have to hack her way through the Crazy 88 first, even though there ain’t really 88 of ‘em.
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Description: Zombies, zombies, zombies! There’s a zombie in your backyard. Zombies moaning in the streets. Zombies have probably taken over the entire country. So, the only logical place to go in the midst of the zombie apocalypse is the local pub. Free ale, a relaxing atmosphere, and a cricket bat for protection. What else do you need?
Description: Protecting the earth from the rat-scum of the universe. (For more human-cat hybrids, visit http://www.captainfeline.com)
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Description: Welton Academy Prep School has a long proud history of academic achievement, fostered through the strict hand of discipline. So of course it is the perfect playground for a group of wilful kids to create some innocent anarchy. Guided by the words of the venerable Uncle Walt, they skip into the woods at night and see the Congo creeping through the black, cutting through the forest with a golden track.
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