Description: Captain Howdy has been in the ouija board business since 1973. Having crossed over from the underworld into our physical reality, the Captain instantly recognised a neglected market for contacting the dearly departed. So he set about manufacturing the only 100%-guaranteed-to-work ouija board for the whole family and in the process, exposed a generation to decades of demonic possession. As the old advertisement once said: “Thanks Captain Howdy!
Description: I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…Eskimo pussy is mighty cold (Eskimo pussy is mighty cold)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four. I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told)…This t-shirt will never get old (This t-shirt will never get old)…Sound off, one two, one two – three four!
Description: Sasquatch (otherwise known as “Bigfoot”) is not some ferocious beast with an insatiable appetite for human entrails. On the contrary, Sasquatch is a timid creature, a biological anomaly whose only difference from us is a complete carpet of body hair and a disinterest in processed foods. Sasquatch keeps to himself (or herself), which is the reason he/she has rarely been seen.
Description: You’re in Antarctica at a research base and a dog comes sprinting out of the whiteness pursued by a helicopter with a crazy Swede (actually, they’re Norwegian, Mac) taking shots at it from a high-powered rifle. What do you do? Do you try to understand what the crazy Swede is doing trying to kill this dog, or do you stupidly shoot the frantic foreigner in the head and give the mutt a friendly pat? If you answered to the latter, well, bad luck – because you’re about to be “assimilated” by an alien life form. Should have learnt to speak Swedish (I mean, Norwegian…)
Description: Abraham Hollingsworth was an author who suffered momentous writer’s block. In 1957, he penned the internationally acclaimed The Moral Decline Of African Mountain Apes and was hailed as a triumphant new literary voice. Ten years later, the world was still waiting for his follow-up novel and in 1970, Hollingsworth’s publisher finally decided to sack his under-performing butt. In 1987, the thirty-year mental-block was seemingly ended when Hollingsworth released his second novel, however it turned out to be an abridged version of his first novel. He has been in self-imposed exile ever since.
Description: Broccoli rocks! Yeah, that’s right. It may have barely a trace of anything that could be considered taste, but it’s damn good for you. Whether it’s in a stir-fry, or smothered with peanut butter wrapped inside an apple Danish, broccoli will keep you lean and mean and ready to rock out with other vegetables.
$23.00
Description: On Inauguration Day in 1933, the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, delivered an historic address stating that the only thing we’all had to fear was fear itself. But, of course, this wasn’t entirely true. There are many things we have to fear that FDR neglected to mention. Vampires, for one. Werewolves too. Parasites. El Chupacabra. The Grim Reaper. The Tooth Fairy’s evil cousin. Martha Stewart. Snakes and scorpions. And especially spiders.
Description: The Kraken. The legendary sea creature of Greek mythology – immortalised by Harryhausen in stop-motion in the 1980s. It is also the name given to the Giant Squid, the most elusive of all ocean species. Believed to grow up 60 feet in length, it has been the subject of many tales of misadventure on the high seas. Never has one been captured alive or even captured alive on film. Jacques Cousteau claimed to have seen one, but he was probably full of shit.
Description: August 18th to the 24th is National Lycanthrope Awareness Week, a time to share a thought for your fellow werewolf. Because, ya know, werewolves are people too – they just grow hair and snack on human flesh during the full moon. In most capital cities there will be some sort of festivity, culminating in the nationwide ‘Great Hunt’ over two massive nights. Human volunteers can register with your local authority. Happy Lycan Week!
Description: You don’t have much choice really. Convicted of crimes that bear the harshest reprimand, you might as well accept the crummy gig and rescue the wimpy President from the maximum security prison known as Manhattan. It sure is a rotten future, and glorified pimps with chandeliers fixed to the hoods of their cars cruise the littered streets with nothing to do but look for trouble - but they didn’t count on Snake’s brand of trouble, now did they?
$23.00
$23.00
Description: If you want to see where the fake blood was spilt, and where the sausage masquerading as intestines were “eaten”, you can take a tour of Monroeville Mall. While you are there, stock up on ammunition, try on some retro clothing, have your blood pressure tested and take a joyride in a helicopter.
$23.00
Description: Captain Howdy will come into your home. Captain Howdy doesn’t require an invitation. Captain Howdy will speak through occult tools like ouija board, but he’s gonna wanna little bit more. Captain Howdy wants your soul. Captain Howdy wants to use your body as his demon host, contorting you in ways that will make it impossible for you to keep food down. Captain Howdy will attempt to convince you he is your friend. Captain Howdy is not your friend.
Description: Get on the ready line, marines! That means get your shit together, lock and load and wake up Dwayne – because you’re gonna need all three if you are to survive the terra-formed planet that now swarms with bad-ass xenomorphs. And they’re the kind of bugs that don’t hang out the welcome sign.
Description: India. In that part of the world monkey brains are a delicacy, just as Cheetos may be a delicacy to someone in the West. And whilst conservative tastes may baulk at chowing down on a portion of simian brain, most Indians of the Kali persuasion would delight at such a rare culinary treat. So don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
Description: Wyoming. There stands Devils Tower with its foreboding facade. An enigma to some such as Roy and Gail – two people inexplicably drawn to the landmark. What Roy doesn’t know, however, is that Devils Tower is an intergalactic airport, and he’s about to take a first-class trip to the outer reaches of the universe. Well, actually, no one really knows where exactly he is travelling to, but it appears he’ll be gone for some time. Too bad he forgot to pack his toothbrush (…or maybe, where he is going, there is no need to brush teeth…?).
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